Times are tough. Climate change is making the sea level rise, the country I’m living in has an idiot for a president, and a new strain of coronavirus is wiping out humanity as we speak.
Last night, after about a week of sitting around, I felt that all too familiar sensation: lethargy, wanting to be alone, and a fine appreciation of nicotine; early onset of you-know-what. So I thought to myself, if I am so good at getting depressed, why not share my wisdom with the whole world?!
Hello, I’m Roy, and welcome to my TED talk.
To get depressed, you need a few key things:
Single-track mind: Always, ALWAYS, keep thinking about the bad things in the world. Don’t enjoy the little things. Don’t think about how you’re getting to spend more time with your pets now that you’re working from home. Always keep thinking about your impending doom.
Virtual isolation: Why stop at physical isolation? Cut off all ties from the world. Don’t call your friends or family. Don’t turn on the video during daily online standups at work. Don’t text back to people. Use your thumbs to only press “Continue Watching” after Netflix asks you time and again.
Nonchalance: Why shower? Nobody’s coming to your place. You’re not going anywhere. Don’t make your bed. There isn’t even a need to brush your teeth regularly.
Monotone: Make yourself the same bland instant noodle. Don’t cook anything interesting. Why bother challenging your brain? Don’t play games of any kind, only follow the same old routine as you stay in your house arrest.
NO HELP: DO NOT seek help. Do not talk to anyone about your mental situation. Just bottle all your emotion in a tight little bottle and lock it up in your mind.
That’s it! That’s all you need to brew a perfect concoction of depression and angry siblings!
